It is quite easy to laugh at someone who publicly expresses their own ‘L’s’, and Brittany Renner’s admission in her tell-all book about flying out to be with (who the blogs have been speculating to be Kapernick), at his instruction on her purchasing her own flights and then getting ghosted by him is certainly a ‘L’. But upon reading the book and seeing her delve into her childhood upbringing, it becomes easier to sympathize with her when the realization that her unhealed childhood wounds have clearly haunted her into adulthood and underpinned most of her decision making.
In the snippets of the book that I’ve come across, Brittany states that she was never loved by her parents and always felt like she was adopted. She describes growing up poor with a single mother, as her father was in and out of prison her entire life – a father whom she had never met until she was 15 years old. In the book she describes an incident which turned into a violent fist fight between herself and her mother. Not unlike many women who lead lives of promiscuity, there almost always seem to be underlying deep-rooted trauma stemming from childhood – daddy issues, lack of love and/or sexual abuse are the usual culprits. People very rarely abscond the demons of their past without professional help.
Brittany’s saving grace as a child was soccer, a sport in which she apparently excelled and by which she secured a college scholarship. She later rose to fame on Instagram as a fitness model where she amassed quite a large following and an impressive fitness business. She’s a pretty girl with a top-notch figure. It would have been easy to parlay the looks, body and fame into great success and the securing of a high-quality husband.
But apparently, she was a novice at the game and lacked understanding of how to secure a man of the caliber she aspired to have. Much of that lack of understanding seemed to stem from her need to be loved and validated by a man. I genuinely think that she was looking for love and with the added fame that social media afforded her, felt she was above the love of a regular guy; thus, she gravitated towards the athletes and entertainers. By her own admission, she has dated many ballers and athletes and have only been with three regular men since her rise to Instagram fame.
The allure that men with fame and money elicit is quite understandable. The desire to be with one is no anomaly for a young woman with her own modicum of fame and good looks, equipped with high hopes and ambitions.
In her book, the person the blogs are speculating to be Kaepernick, informed her that she had to pay for all her flights to visit him. According to her, at the time she didn’t even have her own apartment, but was instructed by him to save her money for the flights to prove her intentions as noble. It is my belief that the thrill of being in the presence of and opportunity to be dating a baller clouded her judgement since it shouldn’t require any amount of savvy to recognize such a man had no concern for her meager financial means; that there was no investment of any kind on his end; and that by paying for her own flights in an effort to visit a baller especially when she could barely afford to, was a major red flag. That level of stinginess disguised as testing her intentions could only have worked on a rookie, a novice. What she should have done is walk away at such a proposal. Even if he had changed his mind, it was a clear indication of a man who is holding on tight to his finances and the interaction would have been of little benefit to her. But the sad part is, I don’t think she was ever in it for the money. I think she was genuinely searching for love, to be wifed up by a baller. Perhaps the status of being attached to one held more appeal to her than any monetary benefit. She describes being kept as a secret by him for some time until one night he took her to the party of a friend. It was at the party that she got drunk and started twerking and that was the fateful night he ended it. She left the next day, never to see or hear from him again.
Broken-hearted and on the rebound, she sought to self-medicate in the arms of a singer (who the blogs are calling Trey Songz). Like all her other exploits, it was solely sexual and short-lived. The interaction though short-lived provided her with the heart-balm she needed to get over the previous man and though it worked, she’s now left with another man to get over. In the book she mentioned that all these men had a penchant for unprotected sex. She further spoke of not being concerned about the blogs questioning his sexuality and it made me realize that she was willing to place her health at risk for casual encounters void of meaning and signification and that in itself is troubling.
The cycle continues until she has earned a reputation on the blogs as being a “slut”. That reputation ended up being the deal-breaker for her short-lived relationship with (Simmons allegedly) as his camp thought she was unfit and not a suitable match for him. As she hopped from men to men, each encounter was devoid of substance and longevity. She speaks of being emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. She further describes “Malpractice” which we suspect to be “Lawyer Bae” as telling her she was more than sex; advising her to change her tacky nail polish and teaching her about politics.
At no time did she mention any monetary or material gains from any of these encounters. She was flying here and there to meet up with and spend days on end with these men but the outcome would invariably be the same – sexual, short-lived and then ghosted. As I read the snippets, I vividly recall a video she made crying her heart out saying ‘how many times can I have my heart torn out by men over and over again”. I pity her because she’s young and she is clearly damaged by men who, whether wittingly or unwittingly, further exploited her unhealed wounds. Perhaps writing the book will prove cathartic for her but what she has done is robbed herself of any opportunity to ever be wifed by any of these famous men she so clearly desires. Ironically, she will find herself with the very “regular” men she has professed to not desire dating.
There are so many lessons to be learned from Brittany. Perhaps the book will prove helpful in that regard to the millions of female followers she has on Instagram. And perhaps it will help men to understand how their actions hold long-term impacts on women emotionally and psychologically. It is easy to label her a slut, but when a woman has found herself to be a hit and run by a man and she’s left hurting and wounded, should she then decide to never date again? Absolutely not. No man should hold that much power over any woman.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and I hope she has learned from all those encounters. As a woman looking in, here’s my advice as to what she should have done and what I hope other young women will take away from her.
- What might appear to be gold to untrained eyes, often isn’t. While most women crave a baller and the glitz and glamor attached to that life, most are only in it for a good time. That doesn’t make them bad men, but their options are so enormously vast and varied that the chances of being the one that they marry requires much more than the superficial. Their intentions towards women they encounter en mass hardly transcend the physical, so desiring a relationship with them is not the best of moves.
- They are more skilled at the game than you are.
Ballers are made aware of gold diggers and women on the prowl for their money since the acquisition of their first contract. They are not inclined to give their money to every woman they bed. They would all end up broke. They don’t need to as they typically have a steady supply of groupies willing to bed them for the clout of having bed a baller. The woman who gets their money is the one they marry or are in long-term stable relationships with. It is also not unusual to find that these women typically have their own measures of success. This is why Brittany cannot describe any luxuries or shopping sprees offered to her by any of her sexual partners. Much in the same way most of the Instagram honeys who hold fly-out stories with rappers and ballers usually have little more than an itinerary and a bedroom selfie to show for their fly-outs.
- Guard your reputation like Fort Knox
A woman’s reputation must be guarded like Fort Knox because once it goes bad there’s no rehabilitating it. Understand that people are clannish, and athletes and entertainers run in a very small circle. Once you’re photographed with one and it’s not in the capacity of his main girl, your stock will plummet. You will be labeled a groupie and no man wants to wife a groupie. No man wants to wife a woman who has been had by his peers and colleagues.
Understandably, when a woman is hurting or even lonely, she will attempt to utilize the presence of another man to assuage her hurt or fill the void in her life. We are social beings and not meant to be alone so there is nothing essentially wrong with this. However you find your coping mechanism, find it. BUT, coping should never be without analytical thought. To seek to self-medicate and rebound with another high-profile man or one who runs in like circles as the object of your hurt, is a stupid move if your goal is to be wifed up by a high-profile man or any decent man at all. I have lived in Fort Lauderdale for twenty years and outside of work and business settings, nobody knows me. That is by strategic design. I do not date anyone in the legal profession and if I choose to, it will be someone in another county or state. All people are clannish and runs in the same social circles and you never want to be known as any industry mattress. High quality women are measured by their stock value, and anything over-used and over-exposed loses its value.
The better move should have been to fly under the radar with a nondescript man with whom she maintained anonymity. Instead, she publicized her subsequent relationships on social media so much so she got labeled a “slut”. Why on Earth would a man with options voluntarily elect to wife anyone labeled a slut?
Guard your reputation and lower your visibility.
- Ease of Access will work to your detriment.
In all aspects of life, the game must be played. In matters of the heart, the game never stops. Either you are playing the game or you are being played. Brittany wasn’t wifed by any of these men because she was too easy and too available. She had no idea how to play hard to get, how to allow any of them to pursue her. An integral part of playing the game is to allow a man to pursue you. While high value men may not chase you since you are easily replaceable, anyone with a genuine interest in you, will never be opposed to pursuing you. The easy access she created by her willingness to fly-out after a ‘dm’ and particularly, fly on her own dime, robbed the men of the pursuing aspect. Allow a man to pursue you and court you before you to decide to award him with sexual favors, for once a man acquires your most intimate parts, what incentive does he further possess to want to even get to know you and your values beyond what you led with? She was possibly banking on her looks and sexual experience to keep them satiated, but high value men have their pick of beautiful women and sexual experiences to choose from. And there is very little enticement to anything that is easy to acquire without any effort. A man’s bank account balance never supersedes your self worth.
- Practice Social Decorum
In her book, she mentions finally being taken out in public by the person alleged to be Kaepernick. At the party of his friends, she got drunk and started twerking. I cannot possibly imagine a man with the verve as Kaepernick,not being embarrassed at the sight of his date out twerking in front of his friends. I have often preached about proper social decorum. What works in the company of your friends is not always appropriate in the company of your friends’ friends or other social settings. Class is important, and she lacks class. Interestingly, that was the night he left her and told her (according to her book), “what I want to do and what I am going to do, are two different things.” What might be seen as sexy in the company of your man or friends, when performed in a social setting, might be construed as hoodratism. Conduct yourselves with proper social decorum when in public.
- Know your audience
Knowing your audience ties into practicing proper social decorum, but it also requires an adjustment in habits. For example, Brittany talks about being with who it is alleged to be “lawyer bae” when he told her that her fluorescent yellow nail polish is tacky, and it would be a better idea to go with soft pink or nudes. You would never see a lady lawyer or judge wearing long yellow nails. Granted, Brittany is not a professional, but if that is the kind of man she aspires to date, then her habits and propensities must adjust to comport with what is viewed as normal or classy in that setting or to that person. As I have mentioned so many times in my tweets, the way a person dresses pretty much signifies who they are. The things and kinds of attire a person gravitates towards reveals exactly who they are. She goes on to mention that when she left his house, the calls became less frequent and she was eventually ghosted. While the nails might seem like a petty thing, the principle still stands. I am certain that he didn’t lose interest in her based on her nail length and color, but overall impropriety in dress and behavior is a turnoff.
- Know when to walk away
It is perfectly fine to desire a thing, to desire a high-value man, but it is of utmost importance to recognize that not everyone who comes disguised as high value is actually high value or is meant for you. Brittany expressed how the alleged Kaepernick was emotionally detached the whole time. At no time had he offered her any kind of emotional intimacy. In fact, he refused to even fund her flights to visit him for sex. His refusal to pay for her flights when she herself could barely afford it and had to save for the flight, was a clear indication that he did not care much for her. That was a good enough time for her to cut her losses and realize this wasn’t the man for her as he was clearly prepared to offer nothing at all. Instead, she funded her own flights to go offer up her body seemingly in an attempt to create intimacy and elicit emotionality through sex. Big mistake. Sex is just sex to men with an abundance of it to choose from. If the emotions, the effort and the investment are not equally being reciprocated, do not ever hesitate to walk away. You might hurt but hurting stops eventually and it is better to hurt now and get over it than to prolong the inevitable and hurt later after feeling used.
- Damaged women use sex to gain intimacy.
Her described encounters were all limited to sex. Sometimes with multiple partners. I haven’t read anywhere where she was being emotionally validated or treated to shopping sprees and the like. She’s a pretty girl with a killer body who should have never relegated herself to an industry mattress. She claims to have dated over eleven industry men and athletes, with each ending in almost the very same way. At what point does a woman recognize that the situations are being repeated and bear little fruits? If sex is all you’re dating a high value man for, I’m sorry, but you might as well date the plumber who no one knows and whose acquaintance won’t sully your reputation by virtue of his anonymity. To be with a man who offers you no sense of emotional validation, no form of intimacy and your intimate exchanges are solely physical, is self-abuse. Women and men are wired differently. Granted, some women are perfectly fine with the physical encounter itself and to each her own, but for most women, the effects lingers. It will leave you feeling depleted and unworthy. You do not lead with sex and you do not use sex to gain intimacy because rarely will it come. If a man wants you, you will have no doubt and there will be no need to jump through hoops to gain favors from him. A man who desires you is just as content with being cuddled as you are.
- Be self-serving without appearing to be self-serving
All men aren’t’ created equally. Some men are as selfish and as stingy as it gets and there is no benefit to be had from dating such a man. Your interactions with everyone should be limited to how beneficial to you the exchange is. To think that it is a negative to be self-serving is to lack self-love. The rule of the game should always be self-first and what it is in for me, because I promise you, the other party is coming to take what is in it for him. Decide from the onset what it is you want from a man and play that position. If you are looking to be wifed, there is no way you can possibly sleep with that man off the bat. If you are looking for financial benefits but the man displays levels of frugality and stinginess to you, that is not the man that will provide the benefits you desire. If it is not beneficial to you, then why are you there?
- You don’t exchange sex for promises and wishes
Your vagina is the one thing you possess that once you give it up, no matter how much remorse you subsequently hold, you cannot possibly take it back. How are you rewarding every man who expresses interest in you with your most precious commodity? How are you rewarding men your most precious commodity for the wish of having a relationship or being wifed up? That is the heights of hustling backwards and I’m telling you, this sexual liberation movement is not empowering and it will leave you with nothing but years of regret, bitterness and depletion. Treasure yourself and your body. It is better to be alone than to be overly-friendly with your vagina.
- Seek medical help for childhood trauma
The importance of seeking psychological help to heal past wounds and childhood trauma must not be underestimated, nor should a person wait until the underlying wounds have caused ruin in one’s life to decide to seek help. Brittany has clearly expressed how she has gone her whole life feeling unloved, growing up in poverty, deprived of a father’s love caused from his absence to prison, and having a turbulent relationship with her mother. No child deserves that much trauma and the wounds from an unfulfilled childhood plague many people in more ways than they are prepared to accept. Many people’s harmful practices are rooted in low self-esteem and cravings of the love they never experienced as a child. It is not only okay, but getting help is the prudent thing to do.
- Be discreet with your love life.
The practice of discretion ties into guarding your reputation like Fort Knox. A man is never viewed negatively for his high numbers of sexual conquests, but you are not a man and you will be judged by what information is made known about you. Until you are in a solid stable relationship, your love life should be your business and kept off social media.
- Spread your sexual exploits wide and thin. Don’t date within the same industry.
A woman could legitimately be a whore but if no one knows, then she really isn’t, is she? Once again, people are clannish, and everyone is less than six degrees of separation. People talk and have shared friends. There are too many industries and varied social circles for you to date within the same circles.
- When in doubt, there’s no doubt.
If a man wants you, you know it, you feel it and he shows it. If at any time you feel yourself wondering if you are cared for, then you are not. Act accordingly.